Changing Your Old Narrative To A New Narrative
Lately, I've noticed more friends, colleagues, and clients feeling stuck in their old narratives without a clear way to create new ones. I wonder what’s causing this mindset. Is it the current state of the world—information overload, uncertainty, constant bombardment of things, and trying to navigate through it? Once we absorb what’s happening, we still have to tend to our daily lives and responsibilities, and keep up with everything. No wonder we struggle to think about the changes we want and need to make in our lives. With so much around us, it’s tough to reimagine what’s possible and what we want, let alone figure out how to make it happen. Maybe that’s why it feels easier to stay put, survive with what we have, and stay in a safe space. But is that really the best choice? Are we becoming complacent, sticking with what we know and doing so simply because we can? So, if you’re feeling that way right now, ask yourself: “At what cost is it to stay in your old narrative and not create a new one for yourself?”
People sometimes get stuck in old narratives and find it hard to move forward for several reasons. Here are some factors that contribute to being stuck:
People can become emotionally attached to past events, relationships, or even versions of themselves, making it difficult to let go and embrace change.
The future is uncertain, and confronting the unknown can cause anxiety. This fear may stop people from taking risks, chasing new opportunities, and adjusting to change, which can lead to stagnation.
These are irrational thinking patterns that can reinforce negative beliefs about oneself and the world, making it harder to move forward. Anticipating the worst-case scenario.
Self-sabotaging and engaging in behaviors that undermine one's own goals and progress.
Shame and guilt that you haven’t done anything and you are stuck in this place.
Often, the past provides a sense of comfort and familiarity, making the idea of facing an uncertain future feel intimidating.
Clinging to past experiences can also serve as a defense mechanism, helping to avoid present discomfort or fear of failure in new situations.
Unresolved past traumas and low self-esteem.
People are comfortable with where they are. They might not be happy, but they stick to what they know.
They can’t picture themselves differently—reimagining careers, relationships, or letting go of old habits when they know those habits aren’t serving them well.
Don’t want to put in the effort to progress.
They hinder themselves and are unwilling to consider new perspectives or alternative viewpoints.
They often don’t know how to make changes or where to start.
They get trapped in the stories they tell themselves.
With everything happening in the world, it’s difficult to do more; people are exhausted and lack the energy for anything extra.
I was working with a client who wanted to find a new job. She worked in a toxic environment, had a terrible boss, and there were no opportunities for growth or advancement. All of this was taking a toll on her mental health. Essentially, this job was causing her to doubt her ability to add value to another company; it was diminishing her confidence; she felt insignificant and small, and was just trying to get through each day. Part of why she felt stuck was that she found it hard to imagine herself doing something different, working in a new industry, or for a different company, because she had been with her current employer for about 10 years. She knew this job, she could do it, and it was the easiest path she could take at the time. Even though she was unhappy, she knew it was safe, and she had job security. She acknowledged that she felt paralyzed, and it was affecting her motivation and her ability to fully commit to a job search. Given her situation, it was easier to make excuses and disengage from what she knew she needed to do and even wanted to do.
When I work with a client who is struggling to reimagine their life, make decisions, implement changes, or explore new perspectives, I guide them through an exercise to help them visualize a different way of thinking—considering possible new options. I have my clients do the “Yes/No” exercise. Here's how this exercise works.
Think about your situation and ask yourself these questions:
If you say “No” to _________________, what are you saying “Yes” to?
If you say “Yes” to _________________, what are you saying “No” to?
Here is how this exercise applied to my client. For her, the goal was to gain clarity about what was holding her back from job searching and to find a new job. I asked her, “If you say yes to staying at your current job, what are you saying no to?”
This was her response when she did the exercise:
“If I say yes to staying at my job and not trying to find a new one, it will keep affecting my mental health. I'll be miserable and continue to hate my job, I will keep letting my boss treat me badly, and I can only blame myself for not doing something different.
“If I say no to staying there and commit to job searching, I will get out of a terrible situation, I can start to feel better about myself and feel good about the work I am doing, and get back to being me again.”
These were tough questions she had to ask herself, and she needed to be honest and open with herself. She admitted it was scary to face all of this and accept how she was living her life and the choices she was making. I’m happy to say she refocused, got out of her own way, stayed open to new possibilities, and took the time to reimagine what her life could become. I’m so proud of her for embracing this process and doing the work—she got out of her old narrative and started a new one. As she put it, she has many more to write, but she’s on the right path and in a job she loves.
I can completely relate to this. In my last job before becoming a coach, I loved my work for the first four and a half years, but then the last three and a half years, I was miserable. It was a similar situation with a toxic environment and boss. I believed in the work we were doing and felt like I was contributing, plus some of my best friends worked there, which gave me comfort during those uncertain times.
What did this mean for me? It meant I stayed in a job I hated. I complained about it with my friends because they were going through the same thing, and I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize. Worst of all, I was doing nothing to change my situation. Instead, I clung to this old story; it was easier than facing the possibility of something better. I believed the stories I kept telling myself — the ones that played over and over in my head, that things had to get better. They can’t stay like this forever. I told myself I should be grateful I have a job, a paycheck, and I see my friends every day. This was a terrible story, but one I knew well, and I didn’t want to put myself out there because I felt so low about myself. That’s what can happen when we stay stuck in these situations and are attached to the old narrative.
So, how did my narrative change? Mine changed because I was laid off from my job. My position was eliminated due to restructuring. Was this the best thing that could have happened to me? Absolutely. It was the kick in the ass I needed, the push I needed to change my situation and write a new narrative. I am thankful every day that I was laid off. Yes, I wanted to leave, and it’s on me because I didn’t do anything to make it happen. Yes, someone else decided my departure date and how it happened, and it wasn’t in my control, but sometimes we have to let go of things to see what’s on the other side and make things happen, to move forward.
This is just one example of how you can transform your old narrative into a new one. There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach, and it will differ for everyone. Remember, this isn't a linear process, and you need to develop a version that works best for you.
Essentially, getting stuck in old narratives usually comes from a mix of emotional attachments, fears, negative thoughts, and ingrained habits. Overcoming these issues involves understanding the root causes, challenging unhelpful beliefs, creating new coping strategies, and reaching out for support when needed.
Hopefully, what you’ve read has been thought-provoking and has sparked curiosity about yourself and what you’re stuck in. It has motivated you to ask difficult questions and inspired you to change your old narrative and create a new one. You never know what you're missing out on or what could be. Think of it this way: you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.
Does any of this sound familiar? Can you relate to this or something else that kept you from changing your old narrative to a new one? I think we've all been there at some point, and it has happened multiple times.
