Why do we have such a hard time asking for help?
I have been reflecting on my hang-ups and feeling stuck in certain areas of my life, particularly regarding my difficulty asking for help. To be completely transparent, there are aspects where I find it easy to seek assistance, but in others, I get stuck, and fear sometimes creeps in—the vulnerable feeling of what someone might think or the worry that they might say no, amplified by my internal judgment, not to mention imposter syndrome. A whole host of thoughts can race through my mind, and at times, I can end up spiraling. So, what does this reveal about me? Plain and simple, it shows that I am human, still growing, and accepting my struggles so I can navigate through them.
Here is the best example I can give, as it just happened to me this week. Here is the situation: I would like to collaborate with someone to write an article about my work around layoff coaching, the current state of layoffs, and how to navigate through them.
The first thing I did was list all the steps necessary to make this happen. That’s the easy part for me because I excel at to-do lists, planning, and executing, which allows me to accomplish a lot. I reviewed all my contacts, identified the people I could reach out to, and crafted my “why” I am reaching out to them. Then the hard part set in. I actually have to reach out to these people, and there are some on the list I haven’t spoken to or been in contact with for years. There is one woman in particular with whom I worked at my previous job, and we are connected on LinkedIn, but I haven’t spoken to or seen her in 11 years. Could I really reach out to her and ask for help? This is where all those feelings start flooding in and I second-guess myself. Don’t get me wrong, I went through so many drafts of the email to make sure it was just right and that I captured everything I wanted to communicate.
I wrote the email and sat on it until I was ready to hit the send button. To my surprise, I received a response from the person I was telling you about that night. Another person I reached out to also replied, along with several others. Of course, there were people I emailed who I never heard from, and let’s be honest, that plays a mind game about why they didn't respond, whether the email was okay, etc. I always give someone the benefit of the doubt and will follow up. My rule of thumb is to reach out a couple of times, and if I haven’t heard anything, I move on and try not to take it personally. Sometimes this is hard when you know the person.
I have thought about the different ways we ask for help, and one thing that has been coming up for me is: What does it mean to relinquish ourselves in order to ask for help? It means letting go of our resistance and pride, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and seeking assistance from others or a higher power.
Here's a breakdown of what it looks like to relinquish ourselves to ask for help:
Releasing Control: This involves letting go of the need to handle everything independently or to have all the answers. It means surrendering the belief that you must control every outcome and accepting external support.
Overcoming Pride and Insecurity: Asking for help can be challenging due to pride or feelings of inadequacy. Relinquishing these feelings means acknowledging that seeking support is a sign of strength.
Embracing Vulnerability: This means being open with others, recognizing our limitations, and trusting that they are eager to help.
Trusting in a Higher Power (for those with spiritual beliefs): For some, this means surrendering to their higher power and the guidance it provides, and depending on that support.
Accepting Support and Guidance: It's about being open to receiving help, even if it differs from expectations. This openness can lead to new perspectives, solutions, and personal growth.
In essence, relinquishing oneself to ask for help involves acknowledging the need for support and choosing to accept it, even when it feels challenging. It's a way of releasing burdens and allowing oneself to be supported, which leads to peace, strength, and progress.
I know I have my own challenges when it comes to asking for help, and I work with clients who are job searching and also struggle with this crucial aspect of looking for a job. I completely understand what they’re going through, and it helps me process these feelings as I support them. For both of us, this is about reframing the importance of seeking help. When someone is worried about bothering others or feels they can’t ask for help, my first question is, “If someone reached out to you asking for help, would you help them?” My clients always respond, “Of course, I would and would do everything I can to help them.” So, why can’t you extend that same courtesy to yourself? When someone asks for help, you don’t judge them; you don’t think they are vulnerable or criticize them. Sounds easy, right? So, how do we accept that we need help, identify what’s getting in our way, make a plan to move forward, and just do it? Below are steps to help you.
Steps for asking for help:
Acknowledge that you are stuck and having a difficult time: Try to identify where the fear of what it is that is affecting you and why you can’t ask for help.
Reframing your thinking: Rethink what it means to ask for help. If someone asked you for help, of course, you would help them. Ask yourself, "What do I have to lose by asking for help?” and “What can I gain if I ask for help?”
Think through your process for asking for help: Identify why you need assistance, outline your necessary steps or tasks, and then take action. Remember to go one step at a time. When you have this mapped out, you will feel more confident and have a clearer path forward. You will experience a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Practice, practice, practice: You have to start somewhere; the more you practice this, the more comfortable it will become.
Here is the reality when it comes to asking for help: you might not always get the results you want. But ask yourself, "What do I have to lose by asking for help?” and “What do I have to gain if I do?” There are endless possibilities. We have to get out of our heads, out of our way, and just do it. I am so grateful for reaching out and asking for help this week. It made me feel so much better, gave me hope, and moved me closer to achieving something really important to me. All we can do is try at this point.
By Amy Bloustine
I want to close with this:
“Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. To the contrary, it can be one of the more courageous things you can do. It can also improve your relationships and free up time for you to focus on your most mission-critical tasks at work and at home. So don’t make the mistake of always trying to go it alone. Be smart enough to know when you need help and to ask for it effectively.” Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries
