How many times have you been told, “there is no point in talking to them about it because they won’t change?”

You may have chosen to distance yourself from friendships when you felt disappointed or hurt. Alternatively,  when you feel hurt, upset or angry at a friend you might have pushed feelings down and ignored them hoping they would go away. When you have a disagreement with a friend you don’t have to either disconnect or repress your feelings. You can express your feelings to them which often leads to even more connection. 

I know how hard it can be to tell a friend when something is bothering you. Recently one of my friends said something that rubbed me the wrong way. I noticed after we spent time together that I felt tight in my chest, my heart was racing and I was sweating. My emotions were running high because I was hurt by the interaction. While I was walking away from her I had a moment of clarity where I thought, “you have two choices, you can do what you have been taught and keep walking finding a way to push the feelings away and move on OR you can turn right around and tell her how you feel.” I took a deep breath, turned around and walked back towards her house. I decided to be brave in the moment and shared that our interaction had left me feeling awful and I needed to let her know. We spoke for a few minutes about the interaction and what had occurred. She was kind and thoughtful and we cleared the air.  I felt proud and walked the rest of the day with a bit of a spring in my step. Saying how I felt to a friend was a wonderful way to honor myself.

For many of my clients the hardest part of telling someone how their behavior impacts them is not knowing how to share without sounding cruel. For example, my client Rachel’s mother was a loving person who always wanted the best for her daughter, but she also worried a lot about her. When Rachel told her mother about a snag that came up with her divorce agreement her mother panicked. Rachel’s mom started asking her rapid fire questions about her lawyer, her preparation for the meeting, and the repercussions of the snag. While Rachel’s mother was trying to help, all Rachel felt was that she was being blamed. She told me she quickly got off the phone with her mother and hadn't not spoken to her since. Her mother tried to reach out a number of times over the past week but Rachel was avoiding her calls. 

I hear a variation of this in my office weekly. Rachel was hurt by her mother’s behavior, but was not sure how to communicate this without hurting her mother’s feelings. I explained to Rachel, as I do to all clients, that telling someone we are angry with them and need them to behave differently is hard. It is especially hard since we aren’t often taught how to do this.

​I taught Rachel what I teach all my clients, the “sandwich technique” for having difficult conversations with others. Here is how it works. First you start with an appreciation of the person (slice of bread). It is important that the appreciation is genuine. Do not make something up just to make the other person happy. Find something specific you appreciate them for.  For example, Rachel might say, “I appreciate how much you check in with me mom and how involved you are in the details of what is going on.”  

Next you say clearly what you need (the meat and veggies). In Rachel’s situation she said, “I feel overwhelmed when you ask me a lot of questions about a situation I have not yet figured out myself. I would prefer you ask me what  I need when I call you rather than assuming.” 

Lastly you add another appreciation (2nd slice of bread). In Rachel’s case she said, “I know and trust that you have my best interest at heart and want to help. I so appreciate you for that.” With this sandwich approach Rachel was able to tell her mom what was bothering her while staying connected within their relationship.

Rachel’s mom told her she was grateful that Rachel told her how she felt and would always prefer to know how to help rather than be ignored for a week. Rachel told me a few weeks later that her mother had been asking her what she needed more often and her overall frustration with her mother had decreased.

Like all new behaviors, telling our friends how we feel is a skill that will take time to perfect, but it is so worth it.

Dr. Elizabeth Cohen and Associates
CEO and Clinical Director
drelizabethcohen.com 

In the last two hours of childbirth you enter a phase called "transition." If you ask most mothers who have delivered naturally I think they would have a few other, less neutral, names for it. You can feel your body splitting open- the rupture, the loss of control, the fear that you might not make it out of this moment in one piece. The pain is so intense that you finally stop thinking, are totally consumed by feeling, and find yourself desperately grasping for the strength to harness that pain and turn it into power...

My son turned eleven this spring, sheltering at home, eyes wide to a world that is changing. He is a child of multiple ethnicities, and part of a family made up of many nations. Yet, here in the country of his birth he may find himself marginalized, denigrated, accused, or murdered simply because of how he looks. People frequently ask us "Is that your child?", "Is she your mother?" - because despite him being built by, of, and inside my body, our skin is not the same color.

The pain we are feeling right now in our families, in our communities, in our countries- let it not be for waste. Let the tears fall, let the anger burn, and let us affirm that the freedom to breathe is a basic human right, not a privilege. Let our pain become the power that gives us the strength to bring a new world into being- one that allows a boy to just be himself, no matter what he looks like.

A birth is always messy, and chaos is always necessary for creation...breathe and PUSH.

I had the great honor of doing my first podcast with Jennifer Sanfilippo, check it out: ​https://www.jenderator.com/podcast/coping-through-covid-a-conversation-with-life-and-career-coach-amy-bloustine/

I was working with a client the other day, and she kept using the word “risk” when talking about new things that she wants to do, new things she wants to explore and how she wants to look at personal growth, and it started to make me think about why we use the word “risk” instead of the  "opportunity."

Why does something new and different have to be looked at as a risk as the default? I think this word has a negative connotation and why try something or even explore the possibilities in such a negative way in the beginning. I looked up the word "risk" so that I am clear on what it means, and here is what the Merriam-Webster dictionary said: The possibility of loss or injury. Someone or something that creates or suggests hazard.”

I then looked up the word “opportunity," and I like this definition much better. "A favorable junction of circumstances. A good chance for advancement or progress.”

It finally hit me, I think we want to explore new possibilities, try new things, but the minute something negative, the “what if’s” pop into our head we put the brakes on it and assume the worst, we automatically default to the “risks.” How sad that we let this dictate how we view new opportunities.

Isn’t that what we're doing is exploring new opportunities and what comes next for us. I like the idea of looking at it with a fresh perspective and not automatically defaulting to what could go wrong or the risks; I don't want that to drive or motivate me. I would rather stay in that place of being positive. Sure, there is a chance that something could go wrong, it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, but should that stop us from trying? After all, there are no guarantees, no absolutes, and at the end of the day, you never know what can happen. It could actually turn out pretty great and exactly what we want.

I would much rather see something as an opportunity rather than a risk.

Think about what’s getting in your way and what are you going to do about it? 

​​In Part 1 of this series, we talked about putting your own needs first in a relationship as well as the need for self-compassion. This post aims to explore exactly how we can begin to love and honor ourselves, with all of our imperfections.

Mother Teresa will be canonized as a saint in 2016. What makes her worthy of this title? It's her profound unconditional love to children and others in need, thought to be miraculous. 

Here is a theme I noticed with many of my single clients. They pick one situation, or one self-perceived flaw, zero in on it, and ask themselves, “who is going to want to be with me when”: 

• I am a single parent” 
• I am a caregiver for a sick parent” 
• “I am 10 pounds overweight”
• “I only make X amount of money”. 

I have also had clients who cannot attribute their feeling on diminished self-value to any one personal flaw other than the feeling of feeling unloved deep down in their core.  When the feeling of being unloved is combined with the impression that they are somehow deeply flawed, it can be a lethal cocktail for one's concept of self.

Self-Awareness 
Recognizing these negative core beliefs can be important in getting to the recovery stage. If you are seeking love outside of yourself, don’t be discouraged by the common adage “you have to love yourself first before you can truly love others.” It’s just plain wrong.  You can build up your inner strengths and feelings of worth and at the same time, actively date and pursue love in a partner and yourself.

Learning to love yourself can take many years of intentional effort, therapy, and practiced mindfulness. But it also might occur when you find the person who, when you look into their eyes, you see back a reflection of love. 

I am unlovable
“I am unlovable” is an example of a core belief, meaning you developed this idea of yourself in early childhood through messages you heard and accepted as true. Our parents and caregivers have the most influential role to play in shaping the thoughts we develop about ourselves. Other important people in our lives, such as teachers, siblings and coaches, also play a role in shaping our beliefs of ourselves and the world around us.

These core beliefs are not something we are typically aware of.  They manifest themselves every day in your choices and behaviors, and also through an inner dialogue we replay in our minds. It is apparent in thoughts like, “why bother, she’s never going to go for someone like me” or “there’s a reason why I’m 45 and still single, I may as well just give up”.

I am unworthy
Some people’s inner critics work overtime, constantly reinforcing the core belief that “I am unworthy”.  People with perfectionist tendencies tend to fall victim to this trap, because they hold themselves up to impossible and unrealistic standards in all areas of their lives.   People with core beliefs of unworthiness, often strive to achieve, driven by a belief that their value lies with their accomplishments, appearance, status, and the objects they surround themselves with, the Rolex on the wrist and the BMW 7 Series in the garage. These are all artifices that do not reflect the core of who we are. This cycle of acquisition and striving to achieve unreachable goals heighten their feelings of unworthiness.

Unconditional love
If you grew up in a household where there was abuse or neglect, or love was withheld, then knowing how to love yourself at your core will require intentional focus and work.

There is no magic formula to but there are a few questions you should ask yourself about your early childhood: 

• When you think back to your childhood, do you recall feelings of being nurtured, valued, and loved?
• Do you recall what you believed about yourself and the world?​

If these questions resonate with you, you should understand that blame and resentment towards parents, exes, and others often interferes with healing and growth. It’s important not to blame your family or others for everything that might be wrong in our lives, but rather to examine these relationships. Why do they make us feel this way? How does their attitude and behavior reflect on who I am as a person? 

Dating
When we are dating, which is often a time of uncertainty and vulnerability, we internalize the messages we receive.  Usually we remember the most negative ones, and completely disregard the positive. If you have core beliefs of unworthiness, then you are more likely to file these away as accepted truths, rather than see it as that person’s projection, often stemming from their own self-esteem issues. People who degrade and abuse others are likely struggling with these same beliefs of that they aren’t worthy of love. They bring others down to feel better about themselves,  through behaviors that are destructive to themselves and everyone that surrounds them.

When you can see this clearly and understand the impact negative messages have had on your life, you can distance yourself from the harmful behaviors and destructive habits they evoke. With clarity around the contributing factors that evoke feelings of low self-worth, we can proactively work towards positive change.

How do I learn to love myself?
You absolutely can challenge your inner critic. You know, the one that recycles and reinforces all the negative messages you internalized about yourself over the years.  We can strive to develop unconditional love in ourselves, the kind that doesn’t waver after a bad day or a big disappointment.  Here are some methods I love using with clients to help them feel this love:

Self-compassion
Dr. Kristen Neff is a student and researcher on moral development, author and meditation practitioner and teacher. You can find out more about her research on theories on self-compassion through her website or her book. 

Ask yourself, how can I develop self-compassion?  The idea of self-compassion is about objectively viewing yourself through the lens of your positive qualities as well as your shortcomings.  It is an awareness that we are part of a shared human experience, with all its strengths and flaws, and that we are all connected. When we take a minute to feel our pain, it is helpful to also recognize other’s pain, because we all have it. This can also help encourage and reinforce our own feelings of self-worth. We can build our self-compassion by understanding our place in the universe when we feel pain and suffering.

The practice of compassion is as simple as complimenting a friend on an accomplishment, saying you’re sorry when you bump into someone, smiling at a stranger, or looking a homeless person in the eyes and saying good morning. This outward expression of compassion comes a lot more easily to most people than self-compassion. The next step is to then ask yourself, this compassion I feel for X’s pain, can I develop that for myself?

In his groundbreaking meditation book, “Wherever You Go, There You Are,” Jon Kabbat Zinn recalls a story of the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama was perplexed about the concept of “self-esteem” when he heard a Western psychologist speak of it at a talk in 1990. After asking for the concept to be explained to him several times, he was sad to learn that so many in the Western World suffered from feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy.  What is it about our Western way of life and our expectations that make low self-esteem such an epidemic?  It may have to do with the way we chase happiness outside of us. We are destined to feel inadequate when we constantly compare ourselves to others, and measure our worth by what we have or don’t have.

Clarify your values
Who are you, at your core? Make a list of your values and your characteristics.  Strip away the ones that concern your appearance, status, personal achievements, and mistakes. Do you value kindness, justice, and humility?  Do you value loyalty, curiosity, forgiveness, or humor?  Have some of the hardships you have experienced made you stronger? How so?  Ask yourself- what makes me feel the most beautiful?  Which of my qualities make me feel capable and strong?  

Challenge your thinking
In times of distress, we can develop some pretty negative thoughts. These thoughts occur automatically, and usually we don’t even realizing they are occurring. These patterns of thought can take over and distort our vision of the world.  Click here for a List of these common thinking patterns. If you have ready examples, try the following:

1)  Identify your automatic thought. i.e. I feel so rejected. He hates me. She has ruined my life. I’ll never 
    find someone as smart, funny, or who “gets” me as much.
2) Identify the unhelpful thinking pattern (i.e. are you mind reading, predicting, emotionally reasoning)?
3) Think of a more balanced and reasonable response. i.e. No one can ruin my life. I will recover from 
    this and look forward to new opportunities.

Even though…. Nevertheless (Be like the Dalai Lama)
According to the principles of self-compassion, to achieve a balanced view we must accept the good with the bad. To do this, we must also stop making sweeping judgments about ourselves and our appearance, skills, or social standing. Like the Dalai Lama, we must avoid the trap of social comparison, a game that no one ever truly wins at.  

Try it yourself: Even though (external event that has happened) Nevertheless, (some statement of worth).

I hope this helps the courageous part of you kick your fear to the curb, where it belongs. Love is a feeling, and it evolves and grows over time. Consider these practices and commit daily to loving yourself and you will start to see opportunities for more love out there in the world for you.  You are strong and you are loved. 
​
Stay tuned for the next post in this series, which will be about how to know whether to hang on or walk away from a relationship.

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